Well, this is defintely the crappiest part of the post partum experience in my opinion. Still hanging on to enough pounds that my pre-pregnancy clothing doesn't look right or fit right and my hair is all falling out. Just when I think I can't possibly lose any more - more comes out. It's pretty disturbing.
Knowing that we aren't having any more babies has, I think, made me feel like I need to be "old me" again. No more babies. You're done. Get back in shape. Be "you" again. Do everything you used to do before you had kids. Be sexy. Be spontaneous. Eat right. Wear cute clothes. And do it all with four kids under seven years old and oh, right, one of them is still an infant who needs you to feed him with your own body several times a day - and regularly spits up all over your cute clothes that are carefully chosen for their a) breastfeeding friendliness and b) slimming properties. That's like, four total outfits.
I'm not complaining. But I'm not going to pretend this time around hasn't been hard. I've been working through some mild post partum anxiety/depression what have you, for a bit now. I could feel it creeping on not long after Wolf came home. The shock of his hospitalization, being away from him during the time when I needed to be with him most. Those feelings still sneak up on me from time to time and choke me and sting my eyes unexpectedly before I can push them back. This all translated into a more anxious me. Where are the other kids? Why isn't Brandon home yet? Catherine where did you go?
The post partum experience is as varied as the women who experience it. It varies between pregnancies. Like snowflakes - no two are alike. And sometimes it's hard. I'm not going to pretend it isn't and I'm not going to "carefully curate" my blog to project an image that it is easy.
And yes, that might not be pretty, but it's the truth.
But there are bright things about now, to be sure. For one, well, Wolf is super bright.
And as the baby, I can tell he will be spoiled.
And Stelly has the cutest words for things. His sword he calls his "ssshhing" (like the sound a sword makes when you're wielding it. Ah-dorable) and he calls this pink rope that I've tied into a lasso for him his - wait for it - it's going to kill you - his "yee hah". Yes, his "yee hah".
"Momma? Where my Yee hah?"
Now if only I could get a good photo of him...
In an effort to nurture myself as much as possible, I am really pouring my creativity into photography and have been so happy to have had several families and babies and clients over the last couple months. I really love how there is always somewhere to go with photography. Something to aspire to. Something to create. That has definitely made me happy and having a supportive family has been critical to allow this to happen and continue to happen.
I created a new streamlined website that I am pleased with, so if you're bored, feel free to click on over to www.catrunyan.com and check it out. Critical feedback is always welcome.
I'm also happy that we'll be visiting my parents with the kids this summer and we're really looking forward those cool Ohio evenings. My dad has really been going all out creating wooden swords for the boys and a bow set for Isla. There's talks of maybe a backyard campout and of course lots of walks in the woods where I played as a child. Obviously I'll be bringing my camera and am excited for the vastly different scenic opportunities.
I will admit. I am not excited for the drive. Wolf is NOT a happy car baby. Hopefully the small fortune I've spent on car entertainment for him will pay off. Kicky piano thing, make him happy!!!!
But either way, we'll get there and it'll be good.
And don't worry about me. I'm taking care of myself. It's reminding myself that it's one step at a time and I'll get there and it'll be good.
kitty sparkles says " 'sup"?