Stellan is my challenging, frustrating, passionate, impulsive, strong, brave, funny, sweet, tender, loving little two year old. He loves so hard. I've had two dreams now where I've been seperated from him, once by fire and once by a snake and I was (desperately, frantically) trying to figure out how to get to him. It doesn't take a psychologist to figure those dreams out.
I know that love will win. I know that that isn't just enough, too. Parenting is hard. I wouldn't wish to ever go back to life before kids, but still, it's hard. Until then, we weather the storms knowing we're going to get wet. But we also know that the storms will pass. I will love you just as hard, Stelly, until we both become soft.
Oh Wolfie, five months already. Geez. Well, you enjoyed your first vacation which was our long summer trip to Ohio. Three weeks being spoiled by Nana and Papa, it went too fast. You had a lot of fun being snuggled by everyone, being Baptized, rolling over and such.
We're used to hearing comments from random people such as, "wow, he's the most adorable baby I've ever seen", and the like. Yawn - tell me about it. But you're more than just skin deep baby person - you've got soul. Lots of laughter and happiness pours out of you. And if someone near you is upset? You cry too. It's hard to believe that in a month you will be theoretically old enough to give solids. But you're not near sitting up on your own yet, so I'm in no hurry whatsoever. You're doing just fine with mama as your main meal. I'm happy to keep it that way for a while. Don't grow up too fast little babers. We want to enjoy this last run of infancy for as long as possible. Love you lambie.
As your year cranks towards 2 1/2, you are changing so much. Your words, the things you say. I still think of you as a baby sometimes. Occasionally I'll call Wolf by your name, as mamas of many are want to do. Your babyhood is sliding away quickly. Your boyhood eroding the baby away like the sea to the beach. I try not to let nostalgia bring me down, but every so often I'll let it in a little. Feel the loss of these little years while
"Choo Choo Rawr" - Dinosaur Train
"Mama, I wan go see rawrs" - I want to go to the zoo (or take a walk in the woods)
"mmmwah baby" "mmmwah mama" - Kiss baby. Kiss mama
"Bop" - lollipop
"dink" - drink or anything fluid
"ooh ooh ah ah" - monkeys and apes
Today you completely flipped over your sister, feet over head, on asphalt. And you got up without a peep (while I ran to you freaking out inside). You are epic, Stelly. Epic.
Um, didn't I JUST update this blog with three months? How is this possible?
sweet little chub a lub.
You are really just so sweet and pleasant. You love a good snuggle and a good long nursing session. You're easy to take places (minus the car ride- you don't like those) and we just love your good nature. We love you Sweet Wolfie. Love you forever.
Well, this is defintely the crappiest part of the post partum experience in my opinion. Still hanging on to enough pounds that my pre-pregnancy clothing doesn't look right or fit right and my hair is all falling out. Just when I think I can't possibly lose any more - more comes out. It's pretty disturbing.
Knowing that we aren't having any more babies has, I think, made me feel like I need to be "old me" again. No more babies. You're done. Get back in shape. Be "you" again. Do everything you used to do before you had kids. Be sexy. Be spontaneous. Eat right. Wear cute clothes. And do it all with four kids under seven years old and oh, right, one of them is still an infant who needs you to feed him with your own body several times a day - and regularly spits up all over your cute clothes that are carefully chosen for their a) breastfeeding friendliness and b) slimming properties. That's like, four total outfits.
I'm not complaining. But I'm not going to pretend this time around hasn't been hard. I've been working through some mild post partum anxiety/depression what have you, for a bit now. I could feel it creeping on not long after Wolf came home. The shock of his hospitalization, being away from him during the time when I needed to be with him most. Those feelings still sneak up on me from time to time and choke me and sting my eyes unexpectedly before I can push them back. This all translated into a more anxious me. Where are the other kids? Why isn't Brandon home yet? Catherine where did you go?
The post partum experience is as varied as the women who experience it. It varies between pregnancies. Like snowflakes - no two are alike. And sometimes it's hard. I'm not going to pretend it isn't and I'm not going to "carefully curate" my blog to project an image that it is easy.
And yes, that might not be pretty, but it's the truth.
But there are bright things about now, to be sure. For one, well, Wolf is super bright.
And as the baby, I can tell he will be spoiled.
And Stelly has the cutest words for things. His sword he calls his "ssshhing" (like the sound a sword makes when you're wielding it. Ah-dorable) and he calls this pink rope that I've tied into a lasso for him his - wait for it - it's going to kill you - his "yee hah". Yes, his "yee hah".
"Momma? Where my Yee hah?"
Now if only I could get a good photo of him...
In an effort to nurture myself as much as possible, I am really pouring my creativity into photography and have been so happy to have had several families and babies and clients over the last couple months. I really love how there is always somewhere to go with photography. Something to aspire to. Something to create. That has definitely made me happy and having a supportive family has been critical to allow this to happen and continue to happen.
I created a new streamlined website that I am pleased with, so if you're bored, feel free to click on over to www.catrunyan.com and check it out. Critical feedback is always welcome.
I'm also happy that we'll be visiting my parents with the kids this summer and we're really looking forward those cool Ohio evenings. My dad has really been going all out creating wooden swords for the boys and a bow set for Isla. There's talks of maybe a backyard campout and of course lots of walks in the woods where I played as a child. Obviously I'll be bringing my camera and am excited for the vastly different scenic opportunities.
I will admit. I am not excited for the drive. Wolf is NOT a happy car baby. Hopefully the small fortune I've spent on car entertainment for him will pay off. Kicky piano thing, make him happy!!!!
But either way, we'll get there and it'll be good.
And don't worry about me. I'm taking care of myself. It's reminding myself that it's one step at a time and I'll get there and it'll be good.
kitty sparkles says " 'sup"?