As your year cranks towards 2 1/2, you are changing so much. Your words, the things you say. I still think of you as a baby sometimes. Occasionally I'll call Wolf by your name, as mamas of many are want to do. Your babyhood is sliding away quickly. Your boyhood eroding the baby away like the sea to the beach. I try not to let nostalgia bring me down, but every so often I'll let it in a little. Feel the loss of these little years while
"Choo Choo Rawr" - Dinosaur Train
"Mama, I wan go see rawrs" - I want to go to the zoo (or take a walk in the woods)
"mmmwah baby" "mmmwah mama" - Kiss baby. Kiss mama
"Bop" - lollipop
"dink" - drink or anything fluid
"ooh ooh ah ah" - monkeys and apes
Today you completely flipped over your sister, feet over head, on asphalt. And you got up without a peep (while I ran to you freaking out inside). You are epic, Stelly. Epic.
Um, didn't I JUST update this blog with three months? How is this possible?
sweet little chub a lub.
You are really just so sweet and pleasant. You love a good snuggle and a good long nursing session. You're easy to take places (minus the car ride- you don't like those) and we just love your good nature. We love you Sweet Wolfie. Love you forever.
Well, this is defintely the crappiest part of the post partum experience in my opinion. Still hanging on to enough pounds that my pre-pregnancy clothing doesn't look right or fit right and my hair is all falling out. Just when I think I can't possibly lose any more - more comes out. It's pretty disturbing.
Knowing that we aren't having any more babies has, I think, made me feel like I need to be "old me" again. No more babies. You're done. Get back in shape. Be "you" again. Do everything you used to do before you had kids. Be sexy. Be spontaneous. Eat right. Wear cute clothes. And do it all with four kids under seven years old and oh, right, one of them is still an infant who needs you to feed him with your own body several times a day - and regularly spits up all over your cute clothes that are carefully chosen for their a) breastfeeding friendliness and b) slimming properties. That's like, four total outfits.
I'm not complaining. But I'm not going to pretend this time around hasn't been hard. I've been working through some mild post partum anxiety/depression what have you, for a bit now. I could feel it creeping on not long after Wolf came home. The shock of his hospitalization, being away from him during the time when I needed to be with him most. Those feelings still sneak up on me from time to time and choke me and sting my eyes unexpectedly before I can push them back. This all translated into a more anxious me. Where are the other kids? Why isn't Brandon home yet? Catherine where did you go?
The post partum experience is as varied as the women who experience it. It varies between pregnancies. Like snowflakes - no two are alike. And sometimes it's hard. I'm not going to pretend it isn't and I'm not going to "carefully curate" my blog to project an image that it is easy.
And yes, that might not be pretty, but it's the truth.
But there are bright things about now, to be sure. For one, well, Wolf is super bright.
And as the baby, I can tell he will be spoiled.
And Stelly has the cutest words for things. His sword he calls his "ssshhing" (like the sound a sword makes when you're wielding it. Ah-dorable) and he calls this pink rope that I've tied into a lasso for him his - wait for it - it's going to kill you - his "yee hah". Yes, his "yee hah".
"Momma? Where my Yee hah?"
Now if only I could get a good photo of him...
In an effort to nurture myself as much as possible, I am really pouring my creativity into photography and have been so happy to have had several families and babies and clients over the last couple months. I really love how there is always somewhere to go with photography. Something to aspire to. Something to create. That has definitely made me happy and having a supportive family has been critical to allow this to happen and continue to happen.
I created a new streamlined website that I am pleased with, so if you're bored, feel free to click on over to www.catrunyan.com and check it out. Critical feedback is always welcome.
I'm also happy that we'll be visiting my parents with the kids this summer and we're really looking forward those cool Ohio evenings. My dad has really been going all out creating wooden swords for the boys and a bow set for Isla. There's talks of maybe a backyard campout and of course lots of walks in the woods where I played as a child. Obviously I'll be bringing my camera and am excited for the vastly different scenic opportunities.
I will admit. I am not excited for the drive. Wolf is NOT a happy car baby. Hopefully the small fortune I've spent on car entertainment for him will pay off. Kicky piano thing, make him happy!!!!
But either way, we'll get there and it'll be good.
And don't worry about me. I'm taking care of myself. It's reminding myself that it's one step at a time and I'll get there and it'll be good.
kitty sparkles says " 'sup"?
Cannot believe this sweet baby is already three months old (and was last week, at that! I'm behind!). As of now, you have the sweetest disposition, the deepest gazes and all of our hearts.
please stop with the vinyl backdrop! but I can't we're three months in, we're going all the way!
kids are just growing up way too fast these days...
yes, he IS the most beautiful child ever.
getting slightly chunkier. he is the least chunky of my historically wafer thin babies. highlight of his three month check up? Hearing the doctor ask, "Who's the tiny person in your family?" Um...clearly it's not me I guess...
Recently I snapped some pretty shots of Isla on the beach to commemorate her fifth birthday.
How much has changed in the last five years. But you still want me to sing "The Sunshine Song" (you are my sunshine) to you every night. Baby Mousie, although you don't cuddle her as much, is still your technical favorite toy. You put your sunglasses up on top of your head like a headband (like I do) and ask, "do I look like a Mommy?" You love to play dress up and school and are excited to start homeschooling this coming fall. (I'm excited too!) You are funny and brave and even though you look so grown up in these photos, you're still my little baby girl. I love you.
Your nose and the unsettled grunts of the baby alert you to the fact that it is indeed time for another diaper change. Perhaps even another outfit change as your little one is blowing through clothes almost as fast as he blows through diapers. And you're tired and there are three other voices calling for you and six shiny eyes looking around for you the moment you disappear with the youngest to take care of that business.
Thoughts run through your mind like stampeding ponies, kicking up dust while you attend to the task you've done a thousand times before. What's for dinner, what laundry needs to be done next in order of importance, bills to pay, school, clean up the dishes, on and on it goes.
You're almost finished, snapping that diaper back on and zipping that outfit back up and you finally look at the person you've been cleaning so absent mindedly. And he's smiling up at you. He's simply happy that you are there. He doesn't care about the house or bills or paleo-ness of dinner and he certainly doesn't care about what the scale says you still weigh or that your hair is falling out in huge handfulls. He's simply thrilled that you are there, caring for him. And you almost missed it.
Sweet little Wolf, today you are two months old! Your newborn curliness and sleepiness is giving way to longer limbs and longer stretches of wakefullness. Of course you do nap a lot...but mostly only when you're in the wrap being held by me. With a fourth baby, I suppose they need to find some tricks to get enough attention. You've begun socially smiling and it's ADORABLE. It's as if a light bulb turns on and you are HAPPY, OMG SO HAPPY HUGE SMILE. And that is truly one of the most wonderful things about a new little person; watching the personality unfold. We look forward to each little moment watching you develop, Wolfie. Keep smiling.
And - I didn't blog it, but here's Wolfie at one month.
and I'm not really sure why I'm keeping with this silly little backdrop, but I guess it's a thing now... so whatever. I will admit, it's not as spectacular as Stellan's awesome Rainbow Quilt monthly photos, but there was no quilt making this time around. Sorry Wolf, fourth kid always gets the weird, random vinyl backdrop.